So you want to become a more philanthropic family? It’s one thing to raise a paddle at a charity auction or Venmo the parent-teacher organization at your child’s school, but it’s something else entirely to approach your family’s giving thoughtfully and strategically.
Becoming a philanthropic family means much more than writing a bunch of checks. “Just in the way that you spend a lot of time learning about how to make that money, you want to spend time learning about how to give that money away as well,” said Heather Larson, founder of LiveGive, which works with families, foundations and corporations to boost giving.
Giving well can be life-changing for a family, Larson said, not just with the impact that families can make but also in the way giving brings families together. “When a family is actually leaning into relationships with each other and listening to each other and wanting to make a difference together,” she said, “it actually can build the family and help affirm who the family is and their unity as a family.”
Larson and other philanthropy advisers encourage family offices to engage the entire family, develop a giving muscle, break up with an organization when necessary and develop fruitful relationships with philanthropic organizations. Here’s how.
Start your family’s story
Strategic philanthropy starts with deep conversation. It begins with sharing each other’s stories and listening to one another. As those stories come out, personal passion areas start surfacing, and family members often find that what they care deeply about overlaps.
During these conversations, Larson said, she asks family members questions such as: “When has your heart really broken for a need in our world? What is a circumstance that you heard about that brought you to tears, or that made you angry, or that inspired you to want to do something?”
She paraphrased writer and theologian Frederick Buechner: “Where does your deepest gladness overlap with the world's greatest need?”
Tamika Felder, chief visionary officer at Cervivor, which provides cervical-cancer support and resources, calls her nonprofit's family partnerships “some of our most meaningful donations [because] we know they put a lot of thought into who when it comes to donations.”
The process of these philanthropic conversations is often more important than the outcome, Larson said, because it’s an opportunity to ensure that every family feels respected and heard.
“The process can help affirm family dynamics,” she said, “and draw people together and build trust among family members.”
Learn how to give
With so many organizations and individuals doing good across America — there were nearly 2 million nonprofits in the United States in 2023, according to the Internal Revenue Service — how should a family decide how to allocate their giving?
Larson uses the acrostic “AIM” to aid families in their philanthropic discussions:
- Does it align with our vision, values and what we want to do?
- Is it important enough to go above my other priorities? Am I willing to say no to other things to do this?
- Is it mine to do? Am I uniquely wired and resourced to take this on? And do I feel compelled that this is personally my job to do?
Part of developing what Larson calls “the giving muscle” is to explore. She advises families to have the humility to ask questions, learn from others and be curious about how to give.
Maryann Fernandez, managing director of the philanthropic advisory firm Strategic Philanthropy, said curiosity can keep people from “feeling overwhelmed by the question of your ultimate passion.”
“Ask yourself, ‘What am I genuinely curious about?’ or ‘What issues intrigue me?’ ” she said. “These simple inquiries can lead to profound insights.”
Fernandez gives examples such as: “What strategies could encourage more girls to pursue STEM [science, technology, engineering and math] fields? How can we provide more capital access to entrepreneurs of color?
“By exploring these questions on your own, with your family or with the assistance of an adviser, individuals can uncover areas that resonate and ignite passion and can lead to meaningful philanthropy."
When a family establishes a giving goal together, Larson said, members can also break off. Families may have a unified vision around certain areas for which they’ll allocate most of their resources, but some family members may want to steward a separate bucket of giving that doesn’t need the approval of the full family.
“A unified vision does not have to mean every person is fully enthusiastic about every single grant,” she said.
Once a family has a strategy for giving, Larson said, they need to work the plan. “You’ve got to get in and get experience making those donations and seeing what impact comes and what does work and what does not work,” she said. “And then at the end of a set period of time, you've got to evaluate that plan.”
When giving goes awry
Pay attention to your frustrations, and understand that if something isn’t working, there could be a problem on the donor side or the organizational side, Larson said.
“Ask yourself, ‘Is this frustration out of something that they’re not delivering?' " she said. " 'Or is it a frustration with something that we weren’t clear with? Or are we asking more of them than what they can or will deliver as an organization?’ ”
Larson shared a story about a client who had an organization call him spontaneously to ask whether it could redirect a grant to a different cause in the organization. Because he was in between work-related matters, he took the call quickly and agreed. But in the long term, he regretted shifting those resources.
“It's one of the reasons why it's so important to set clear expectations of longevity of a grant or frequency of a grant,” Larson said, “because you don't want to go back on something that you have committed to. But build in some escape valves along the way so that you both can move on if it's not working, in a way that isn't about breaking a commitment or breaking a promise.”
If you’ve fulfilled a commitment and if it’s not a good match, it’s OK to have a hard conversation — or ask a philanthropy adviser or family office director to have it — with a grantee or organization and move on to another giving area.
Develop healthy philanthropic relationships
Nobody likes to be micromanaged, and that includes staff at philanthropic organizations. This makes clarifying expectations critical.
If, for instance, a family wanted data and numbers back with each grant given, Larson would steer them toward a certain type of nonprofit and stay away from others.
“Values need to line up not just on the type of work they do but the type of organization and type of reporting they do,” Larson said. “If you set that up from the beginning — knowing how much interaction you want, what type of numbers you want back — then by connecting with organizations that are led by a CEO or an executive director that is passionate about delivering those same type of results, that's how you get a great relationship between a donor and an organization.”
Felder said it’s important for her nonprofit, in working with families, that clear objectives are set on both sides and that all parties “ensure transparency in expectations.” Getting to know the philanthropic team beyond the development director and executive director is also important.
“Take the time to understand the people who work at the grantee organization,” Fernandez said. "Building these personal connections lays the foundation for a more candid and productive relationship.”
She suggests scheduling regular check-in calls and in-person meetings to talk about strategy, challenges and successes and even attending team retreats and participating in activities that promote trust.
“Trust is essential for open conversations,” Fernandez said. “When you invest time in understanding the grantee’s context and challenges, it becomes easier to have honest discussions about goals and impact.”