Emily Bouchard, a fractional chief learning officer and family dynamics adviser, has over 20 years of experience helping wealthy families navigate the complex issues surrounding wealth and relationships. She shares her insights on blended families, financial infidelity and strategies for maintaining harmony in high-net-worth households.
Your work focuses on empowering high-net-worth families to navigate the nonfinancial aspects of wealth. What inspired you to devote your career to this intersection of love and money?
My mother’s sudden death when I was 14 shaped how I view the world and life. Our family did not know how to communicate about our loss, and I began searching for meaning and answers to help myself — and others going through difficult situations — to be strong and anti-fragile. I studied human development and became a social worker, focusing on families in impoverished areas, families with physically ill children, and families adopting children from the foster system.
Back in 2004, an acquaintance recommended me to The Williams Group as a potential listening coach. During six months of conversations and research about this unique field, I learned that children in affluent homes were at serious risk for mental health and addiction issues. This motivated me to learn more and to bring all I knew about what makes families harmonious and resilient to allow these wealthy families to flourish, no matter how much money they have. Over the last 20 years, I’ve seen the powerful ripple effect of their well-being on their extended families, their businesses and employee relations, and their expanded giving in their communities and the world. Couldn’t imagine a better way to leverage my passion.
What’s the most common misconception affluent couples or families have about navigating the emotional side of wealth, and how do you address it?
During a family meeting, one of the investment advisers turned the floor over to me to talk about the emotional, “qualitative” side of wealth, referring to it as the “soft” side. The stepfather in the family, a successful business owner, responded to this with: “Business and money are easy; this emotional stuff is what’s hard!”
In life we tend to avoid what is “hard” because when we are in a learning mode and don’t have all the answers, it feels uncomfortable or scary. I help to normalize their experience while exploring their preferred ways of learning new information. I give them opportunities to practice what they are learning in different settings that are new to everyone, so they have an even playing field to learn together.
We usually start with simple conversations and activities that are not emotionally loaded to practice new ways of listening, communicating, coordinating actions and empathizing. Together we expand their emotional intelligence with activities, resources and skill-building. We continue to apply what they are learning to more important and emotional conversations that I facilitate for the greatest likelihood of a satisfactory outcome. We debrief and deconstruct the conversations to discover what worked and what they’d like to work on next.
What do you do when a partner isn't transparent about financial decisions?
Financial infidelity — cheating on your partner by making significant financial decisions without your partner’s knowledge or consent — wreaks havoc on couples and is very common in blended families. Research has shown that this is due to guilt and divided loyalties with biological children versus stepchildren. Repairing trust when it is broken is much more difficult than maintaining and deepening the trust you have.
I recommend that couples talk regularly and openly about their conflicted feelings and needs when it comes to spending money. Set aside quality time for the two of you each week to connect about what’s working and what’s been challenging. Many couples decide to separate their financial lives so that there is more freedom to spend in ways that feel right for their individual needs and values. They also have shared resources pooled for where they are aligned regarding their lifestyle and spending needs.
If you need to repair trust, this will take time and consistency, and it can be helpful to do regular check-ins about what is being witnessed and experienced that builds trust, such as reliability, sincerity and care. Are you regularly doing what you intend and have agreed to without question? Are you saying to your spouse, "What you are thinking in your head?" Are you showing up caring about what you know your partner cares about in ways that they see and acknowledge?
Blended high-net-worth families face unique financial and emotional challenges. In what ways might wealth management, legacy planning and differing financial values influence relationship dynamics? What strategies could be helpful in fostering financial harmony and long-term stability in these families?
There are so many factors involved, including unresolved issues from prior relationships, emotional spending with biological children, and tensions between what’s fair and what’s equal. The bottom line is that couples in stepfamily situations are constantly navigating emotional land mines about how they divide their time and their resources. A few strategies I recommend:
- Learn how to talk about money in ways that are respectful, loving and honest. The best place to start is to share your earliest memories of what you saw, heard and experienced regarding money and love. This builds empathy and intimacy.
- Clarify your intentions for your family, the values that you want to emulate for your children and what actions will demonstrate your intentions.
- If you experience conflict, take a break with a commitment to return to the conversation within a short time. Avoid having money conversations when under the influence of substances.
- Do your inner work with a therapist or coach, and shift patterns of relating that don’t serve you or your relationship.
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